Silly Product Idea

I was walking down the hallway at work today and an idea for the "Greatest. Product. Idea. Ever." came to me.

Stick with me, this is going to earth changing...

Here it comes... ready?

Steel Toe Fuzzy Slippers.

There it is. Seriously.

I mean, construction workers, amongst others, have to wear steel toed boots for safety. Work boots are exactly that: work boots. Why must safety only be on the job site? Why does safety have to be so serious?

Just imagine... you enter the machine shop and there is your cow orker wearing a pair of fluffy bunny slippers. But these aren't your ordinary fluffy bunny slippers, oh no siree Bob... these are safety slippers. Your cow orker is now working in style and comfort, all while being safe.

Or what about using it at home, to prevent you from stubbing your toes when stumbling around your furniture?

The marketing potential is there too... Full commercials which advertise that it looks like a bunny, feel like a slipper, protects like a tank. Heck, I'm having fun just saying "Fluffy Bunny Steel Toe". It almost sounds like an action film.

Blagojevich's Final Outcome.

Ok, sports fans, here is the final score:

Blagojevich: 0, Removal from office: 59.

Blagojevich: 0, Being banned from public office: 59.

FINISH HIM!

*Legislators rip off his cement hair helmet*

POLITICAL FATALITY!

Effin golden!

Blagojevich's Options, Update 3

So, Blagojevich was impeached... 114 - 1 and then 117 - 1 with the re-vote. Time to update the list...

1. He is found guilty in the impeachment proceedings and is removed from office. (best case)
   
2. He is found not guilty and stays in power. (crappiest case)
3. He resigns. This is about as likely as shrimp learning to fly.

I'm placing my money on #1. Of course, I am betting that the goober will act like he is still in charge and will have to be forcefully removed and physically given the boot to the curb side.

I find it rather pathetic and ironic that he dares to compare himself to such great leaders as Mahatma Gandhi, MLK Jr., Nelson Mandella. I find his self-assessment to be way out of proportions. I find it quite fitting, I must add, that all three of the the greats above spent time in jail. If Blago. wants to compare himself to them, he needs to realize that he needs to do his (long) jail time first.

Although, one good thing has come out of all this mess... I now have a great idea for a lottery game. I propose a $20 ticket where the winner gets to physically remove Blagojevich from office. Of course, there would be a few limitations, such as the winner is strictly limited to hand-to-hand combat methods (Ti Kwon Leap, anyone?). Obviously, any proceeds will go towards finding a suitable habitat for Blagojevich's hair and towards the state budget deficit.

Winter Driving Gripes

It is nearly the end of the year, and I realized two things:

1. Things have been going very well for me. As a result, I haven't been complaining enough lately.
   
2. It has been awhile since I last wrote a blog entry.
   

Trying to be practical, I have obviously combined the above two points and decided to write about something which affects anyone who drives where temperatures drop below "freeze yer ass off" or the landscape is littered with that (usually) white falling crap more commonly referred to as "snow".

Here in Chicago, we have already had 6 weather extremes this season... and winter has just started. Let me repeat that again... 6 WEATHER EXTREMES THIS SEASON, SO FAR. Just in case you are keeping track, We've had very cold ("freeze yer spirit thermometer's ass end off"), overly warm ("tropical"), flooding ("damn rain and melting, grab the rowboat"), extra dense fog ("I wish I could find the rowboat"), high winds ("this blows"), oh, and snow ("22.3 inches, so far, up the wazoo").

For the record, we had locusts last year, my neighbors across the street lost power and had 3 days of darkness during the summer, the Chicago river is still green, and the corruption investigation of Gov. Blagojevich seems like it will decimate the dysfunctional state political family. I think we have cornered the market on Biblical-like plagues for the time being, thank you very much.

So, yeah... the joys of winter. The joys of making snowmen, snow angels, snow ball fights, the crunch of the ice and snow under foot... Then comes the agonies of the season: cleaning off your car, shoveling yourself up and out of snow creek with arms which feel they are without a snow shovel paddle, the crunch of your bones after falling due to the ice and snow under foot, and lest we forget winter driving.

Winter driving can be rather pleasant, please don't get me wrong. However, there are times where is is the suck. There are times where being off the road (read: safely at home, relaxing with a cup of tea...) is significantly better than being a driver on the road. Here is my list of winter driving gripes:

1. Slow down, dammit! This shouldn't come as a surprise, but trying to drive your usual 95 mph when the weather is crappy and there is snow and/or ice on the road is what most professional stuntmen would describe as "effing nuts". Surprise, surprise, that moron driver who had to go 70 when there was an inch of ice on the roadway ended up in the ditch after doing a fishtail spin out that would make a figure skater jealous. Guess what, in snow and ice conditions, your tires may not have grip or friction enough to safely keep you going on the roadway, let alone to maneuver well or stop. If you don't know what I am talking about, google "hydroplaning" Slow down and allow a lot more room to maneuver and stop.
   
   
2. Get off my ass! I love it how drivers feel like they are obligated to tailgate me. I love it even more when they decide that they should slam on their brakes when they are inches away from rear ending me at the stop light. One would think that when the road conditions are crap these people would allow a small bit more room to stop, just in case they hit some ice... But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. For crying out loud, please stay off my car's ass end and try to allow at least a half car length of space between you and the driver in front of you. Also, allow more room for stopping in general. Thanks to all the crappy ass riding drivers, I've decided to supplement my car insurance my having Chuck Norris roundhouse kick any car which gets too close.
   
   
3. Right turn on red isn't always right. Now, I am not a professional driving instructor, but let me explain something...

   "You may make a right turn at a red light or a left turn at a red light when turning from a one-way street onto another one-way street that has traffic moving to the left. In both instances, drivers must come to a complete stop and yield the right-of-way to oncoming traffic and pedestrians before turning." (from Illinois Rules of the Road, Chapter 10)
   

   This means that doing a turn on red when oncoming traffic is approaching faster than Superman on Redbull is a bad idea. On the other hand, when traffic is all fubared due to weather, doing a right turn on red is not only stupid, but is makes traffic worse.
   
   
4. Hang up and drive. This is an ongoing gripe. I will admit that I do, on occasion, talk on my mobile phone while I drive. However, I always use a hands-free set while driving, and I will not use my mobile phone during circumstances where I, as the driver, must devote more than 100% of my attention to the road (read: when driving conditions are bad). Unfortunately, it seems that too many people around here feel like they must chat at all times. Making matters worse, their conversation has higher precedence than driving while they drive. This normally is a sucky situation, however, throw in the usual winter crappage, and this can be downright deadly.
   
   Now, you drivers under the age of 19 who like to drive with their phone attached to their heads all the time, let me remind you of the rules of the road again...

   "Persons under age 19 are prohibited from using a cell phone while driving except in an emergency. Local municipalities may govern whether cell phone use is permitted, regardless of the driver’s age." (from Illinois Rules of the Road, Chapter 11)

5. Lights, dammit! It seems that too many drivers are a bit dense when it comes to using their lights. Let me simplify it... Your car must have two headlights, and they are to be turned on from sunset to sunrise, as well as when the weather requires you to use your windshield wipers or when you are unable to see objects 1000 feet away. (See IL Rules of the Road, Chapter 12) Parking lights are not headlights, and using your parking lights instead of your headlights makes you look like a tool.
   
   It should also be mentioned that when the weather is crappy using your high beams can make visibility worse, not better. This is because snow and fog will reflect the light from your high beams back at you. Try using your fog lights (if you have them) instead.

While I am at it, I may as well discuss something else which has been bugging me. Here in Chicago, due to the extreme budget situation, snow plowing of side streets has been significantly cut back. I am not going to discuss the politics behind that. What is really pissing me off is the pissing and moaning I hear and read about it. The constant whining about "I pay my taxes, you clean it up" or "I was slightly delayed because of a little snow" has gotten to the point where I want to go slap some people around. Hell, I bet that a good portion of the people complaining about the lack of snow plowing also bitched constantly when the same snow plows neatly plowed the snow and pushed the snow so close to their cars.

I am only going to say this once... QUIT WHINING AND DEAL WITH IT. If you are able bodied, quit whining about the damn snow and demanding that others bail your ass out and instead grab a shovel and/or a snow blower and deal with it. Seriously, I am sick of this victim culture which lets people make excuses for everything and get by without actually fixing their problems. The snow sucks, this is a fact. The lack of plowing sucks too, this is also a fact. However, if everyone does what they can to improve the situation, we will all get through this and be better off.

Chicago is supposed to be the city that works. Looking back into history, when the proverbial kilometric pantload hit the fan, people rolled up their sleves and worked hard to fix the situation. Sitting around and bitching never improved the situation. If we want something, we must be willing to work for it. Likewise, if the city isn't able to move the snow, we should be able to move the snow.

Blagojevich's Options, Updated

Now that a few days have passed, let me list the current options Gov. Dipdunk faces...

1. He can step aside. This is still unlikely.
2. He can resign. With his arrogance and ignorance, this is unlikely.
3. He will be successfully impeached. Best case, and seemingly most likely to happen.
   
4. He pulls a Budd Dwyer. Unlikely, but plausible.
   
5. He finishes out his term and retires. Hey, it worked for OJ the first time...
   

At this point, I still hope he is removed from office. I mean, we could replace him with a baked potato, and have better state government. Also, the baked potato would have better hair.

Blagojevich's Options

Ok, so it is no longer shocking news (ok, it never was "shocking"...) that (D-IL) Weed, a.k.a. Gov. Rod Blagojevich is facing charges for corruption.

So, lets review what could happen in the upcoming weeks:

1. He steps aside. This is unlikely.
2. He resigns. This is also unlikely.
   
3. He is removed from office by the IL Supreme Court.
4. He is impeached.
5. He calls a press conference and proceeds to re-enact the actions of Budd Dwyer, using live ammunition.
   
6. Nothing. The absolute worst case: everything blows over, and Blago keeps his job.

Now, I personally would prefer that he would not only resign, but also be dragged out of his office kicking and screaming while handcuffed in federal custody. Of course, I'll settle for impeachment too.

No matter what happens, every day in Illinois politics needs to become Weasel Stomping Day.

My list of ideas to improve the Chicagoland area

After much thought, here is my list of ideas which can help fix certain problems in the Chicagoland area...

1. Chicago aldermen will have their salaries reduced to $55,000. At this time, Chicago aldermen make about $100k each, costing the City about $5 million per year. Reducing their salary to $55k would save the City about $2.25 million per year. Hey aldermen, if you don't like this, tough shit. Get a real job or a real second job and quit whining. Most citizens in the City work significantly harder than you ever did and they make far less.
   
2. Mayor Daley, while I overall like you, your salary should be reduced to $75,000. You currently make $170,000 per year, but since the City has a budget shortfall, it is time you make a small sacrifice. If there are any objections, see my comment for Chicago aldermen above.
3. Chicago Police need to enforce all of the traffic laws. This applies to motorists as well as cyclists. Maybe our budget would be closer to balanced if you guys did your damn job and nailed people for going way way way above the speed limit, yacking on their damn cell phones while driving, or any of the other laws which can raise money for the City.
4. All bicyclists must obey the rules of the road while riding on public streets. While this is currently STATE LAW, it unfortunately needs to be placed in this list.
   
5. ALL Chicago Police officers need to meet some sort of minimum fitness standards. No offense, but police sometimes have to engage in physical activity while carrying out their duties. I would prefer our officers not to have a heart attack while chasing after a suspect or beating a suspect almost to death.
6. ALL Chicago Police officers need to improve their shooting. A few months ago, the media was going crazy with stories about a cougar on the loose in the city. That cougar was shot and killed by Chicago Police. Unfortunately, the officers put a minimum of 18 rounds into nearby garages and other property before actually hitting and killing said cougar. A police officer, who has undergone significant training, should be able to hit a cougar at close range and not expend that many rounds into nearby property.
7. Mayor Daley's handgun ban needs to go. Personally, I disagree with this ordinance. The handgun ban does not work: criminals and gang members have hand guns, and are getting them from other sources (i.e. out of state dealers, stolen property, back alley cash sales...). Also, criminals commit crimes with weapons other than firearms, such as golf clubs, baseball bats, knives... yet those items can be purchased in any K-Mart. The ban only serves to punish otherwise law abiding citizens who have already passed the stringent background checks required by the state of Illinois to own and purchase a firearm.
8. Any alderman who repeatedly drafts stupid ass ordinances needs to be replaced. Sorry, but bans on foie gras, trans fat, or metal baseball bats do not serve the citizens of the City. Instead, such bans are simply retarded. These ordinances overstep the boundaries of law.
9. Lower the Cook County sales tax. While I realize corruption at the county level costs money, maybe you corrupt bastards could find the funds elsewhere and leave us citizens alone.
10. Todd Stroger needs to go. In addition, all people who are in any way related to Todd Stroger should be immediately banned from working for Cook County. This ban should be made retroactive the second Todd Stroger took office.
11. All members of the Cook County board should be replaced too. While we are at it, the salaries of the Cook County board members should be cut to under $55,000. Once again, if there are any complaints, see above commentary for Chicago Aldermen.
12. Pay raises for aldermen, county board, mayor, or similar positions should be approved by ballot initiative only. Let me be clear: if the civil servants who run the City or County want a pay raise, the citizens should decide by popular vote.
    

Now, the list above is anything but complete. However, I feel that implementation of a majority of the items would significantly improve the quality of life for the citizens of the Chicagoland area.