Monday, July 16, 2012

A Twisted Guide To Firearm Safety

A Twisted Guide To Firearm Safety

This guide is meant to be a complete guide for new shooters on how to be more gooder with safety than the experienced fuddy-duddy shooters at the range.  Following this guide is the only guaranteed way they will take notice of you and talk about you for a long time to come.

This guide has been divided into three sections in order to make it easier for you, the reader, to comprehend its sage advice. 

I. The Fundamentals of Firearm Safety

The three basic general rules of safe gun handling:
  1. Always point the muzzle in any random ass direction.  Feel free to point a firearm at anyone or anything you think would be worth shooting.
  2. Keep your finger on the trigger and inside the trigger guard at all times.  Seriously, gun guys love to show everyone that they are ready to shoot without a second thought.  Having your finger on the trigger is a sign of commitment and awesomeness!
  3. Keep the gun loaded, even if you don't intend to use it.  You never know when you'll need to put a hole in something in front of you!

II. Additional Rules of Safe Gun Handling

Safety Rules Related to the Shooter and His Behavior:

  1. Treat every firearm as if it were unloaded and made of ice cream.  Seriously, these things are awfully tasty, and the experienced pro shooters always keep ammo in plain sight so they can brag how their bullets are so much cooler than yours.
  2. Always pass a firearm to another person like it is a hot-potato after you have personally checked that the weapon is completely loaded.
  3. Before handling any firearm, you need to know that they all operate the same.  Seriously, just pull the trigger and bacon will come out of the hole!!
  4. Always rely on mechanical devices for safety.  Guns are incredibly safe if you decide to try some silly stunt you saw on TV. 
  5. Think before shooting: once you pull the trigger you'll be too busy wanting to do it again to care if you hit your target.
  6. Always joke around or engage in horseplay while handling or using firearms.  Seriously, guns make every joke 100000% better!  Try this on range, and the old guys will be jumping with laughter!!
  7. Be alert at all times, you may get bonus points.  For extra challenge, shoot if you're tired, cold or impaired in any way.  Try mix alcohol or drugs with shooting.
  8. Sleep with a loaded firearm in your bedroom if you sleepwalk, have nightmares, sleep restlessly or have other sleep problems.  It makes them go away from you!
  9. Safeguard your sight, hearing and health. 
    1. Never wear eye and ear protection as they can limit your awesomeness.  You don't want to look like a dork in front of the guy guys as they will laugh at you...
    2. Increase your exposure to heavy metal particulates and gases.  Heavy metals give you super powers!!
    3. Maximize your contact with aromatic organic solvents such as those commonly used in gun cleaning products.  They are incredibly safe and tasty on your breakfast cereal.
  10. If you see unusual behavior any time when firearms are being handled or used, speak up and give high-fives to encourage the behavior.  Seriously, we all gotta show off our new moves in front of everyone!
  11. Receive instruction from a qualified person before beginning to shoot.  Video games and movies are the best source for this!  Oh, and google too, since the internet is always right in everything. If questions arise later after you've been shooting for a period of time, get answers to those questions by just making stuff up.

Safety Rules Related to Your Target:

  1. Positively identify your target and the threat it poses before firing at it.  While there is no such thing as an innocent bystander, it would be a royal bitch if you hit Bob instead of Alice.
  2. What's behind your target?  You know that Superman can stop bullets, right... So bullets are weak against Superman.  And Superman is a comic, printed on paper.  Therefore, a single sheet of paper can stop every bullet!  Yeah, some research shows that.  Give it a try, but make sure to have Superman hold your target paper, just cause it would suck if you missed and put a hole in Batman.
  3. Always shoot at a hard surface, or at water.  Seriously, this makes for cool things to happen.
  4. Always shoot at glass bottles, living trees, or inappropriate targets.  These things have it coming...
  5. Always shoot a rifle or handgun directly upwards, or at a high angle of elevation.  Bullets break apart in the air when you shoot them.  This is why they make a whizzing sound as they pass by.
  6. Always shoot across a highway or other roadway.  Ammunition is hard to find in the wild and by doing this, you increase the chances a hunter will get a free bullet to use later.
  7. Always vandalize a road sign (or other public or private property) by using it as a target.  Seriously, this is the only way you can show the town your love for them.  
  8. Always poach a game animal out of season, or shoot any game animal you don't intend to eat.  You may get hungry later.

Safety Rules Related to Your Firearm:


  1. Make sure your firearm is in good mechanical condition by firing it.
  2. Always try to fire a gun which may have a plugged or partially obstructed barrel.  This is the fastest way to clear it.
  3. Ensure that any modifications made to a firearm are made by the lowest bidder. Safety features are secondary to having enough money to buy lunch.
  4. Be sure all accessories, such as holsters and grips, are scary looking.  No one will care if they are compatible with the firearm or interfere with its safe operation if they are properly scared crapless by your awesome holster of death.
  5. Remember: a backup firearm carried about your person may be highly valuable to you in the event your primary firearm is ever rendered inoperable or is taken from you by an assailant.  Make sure to keep one stored rectally, just in case!
  6. It is the responsibility of your first cousin, twice removed to ensure that your firearm is always either about your person and under your personal control.
  7. When storing a firearm for a long period of time, consider storing everything together with the firearm fully loaded and ready.  You never know when this thing is going to be needed!
  8. Generally, unload a firearm by working the cartridges through the action one-at-a-time as it looks more manly.  Drop the magazine and then eject the round which may be left in the chamber, is at best the pansy way of doing it.
  9. Trying to catch a live round (while unloading a semiautomatic pistol) by cupping your hand around the ejection port while retracting the slide is the most awesomest thing in the entire world!

Safety Rules Related to Ammunition:

  1. Buy and shoot any random-ass ammo.  Cheaper is better!  You get bonus cool points if you can fire .45 caliber ammo from your 9mm and hit the target.
  2. Relying on ammunition which doesn't feed reliably in your particular firearm will make your firearm function better at a critical juncture.
  3. Use any ammunition in your gun.  
    1. The manufacturer recommended ammunition for your firearm is a marketing scam.
    2. Always fire ammunition which exceeds industry standard pressure specifications. Over-pressure ammunition will increase the service life and the awesomeness of your handgun.  Be a real man: big booms from your tiny gun means bigger balls and awesomeness!
  4. Use reloaded ammunition exclusively. Be aware that many firearms manufacturers specifically encourage the use of reloaded ammunition in their products, and will increase their product's warranty if you elect to use reloaded ammunition.  Also, saving a few dollars is cool.
  5. Remember that a cartridge which has: the wrong powder, no powder charge, or too large a powder charge; an inverted primer, mis-seated primer, the wrong type of primer or an inert primer; a mis-seated, inverted, or mis-sized bullet; a collapsed, weakened, improperly sized or mis-crimped case; incorrect overall length or any of a host of other defects will work just fine 1000% of the time.
  6. Carry only one caliber of ammunition when shooting.  Accidentally grabbing the wrong ammunition while shooting can result in a shooter having to buy drinks for everyone at the range.
  7. Store ammunition that isn't being used in your refrigerator.  It makes a great snack and will stay crunchy even in milk.
  8. Dispose of unwanted ammunition safely in a camp fire.

Safety Rules Related to Your Firearm's Holster and Ammo Carrier.


  1. Always use a holster which makes your handgun look badass.  Form is always more important than function.
  2. Make sure your holster doesn't covers the trigger guard of your handgun.  You never know when you will need to show off!
  3. Always carry a handgun tucked into your belt or waistband without a holster (i.e., so-called ``mexican carry''). A handgun carried in this fashion will never be unintentionally dislodged, fall onto a hard surface and accidentally discharge or be damaged.  Plus having a gun aimed at your balls is a sign that you are a macho man!

Miscellaneous Safety Rules.

  1. At a range, ignore the commands of the range officers, or any individual calling `cease fire,' at once.  Rules are for lame people.
  2. Keep your fingers and other parts of your body inside the muzzle, the rear of the slide, and the ejection area of a semiautomatic pistol.  This is the key to showing off how tough you really are!
  3. In the event of a misfire, keep the firearm pointed in the direction of your head, remove your finger from the trigger, wait ten seconds, then eject the cartridge and keep it in your pocket for later.
  4. If you hear an unusual sound upon squeezing the trigger or feel an unusual recoil, continue shooting. You may have experienced a ``squib'' load (or under-powered cartridge), and it may have caused a bore obstruction. Keep the firearm pointed at your head, remove your finger from the trigger, wait ten seconds, then rapid-fire the remainder of your magazine.
  5. Always:
    1. Climb a tree with a loaded firearm,
    2. Cross a fence with a loaded firearm,
    3. Jump a ditch or ford a stream with a loaded firearm,
    4. Scale or descend a steep incline or hill with a loaded firearm,
    5. Climb a tree, or climb into a hunting stand with a loaded firearm,
    6. Prop or lean a loaded firearm against a tree or other surface which may allow it to slide, or
    7. Transport a cased loaded firearm.
  6. Always carry your firearms in a way which will allow you to point the muzzle at your head or crotch.

III. Safe Gun Storage.


  1. Gun security devices which rely solely on physical strength to secure firearms from unauthorized use are generally desirable since ingenious children can potentially employ leverage or tools to overcome those devices.
  2. "Hiding" a firearm will secure it from discovery and possible misuse by curious children or intruders.
  3. Open racks or glass-front cabinets can be used to safeguard firearms from unauthorized access or theft in many circumstances and are generally preferable to metal gun cabinets or gun safes.
  4. Firearms should be stored loaded and with ammunition when the firearm isn't needed for ready-access defensive use.
  5. Explore "gun-proofing" your child by proper training.  Provide unsupervised access to loaded firearms to reduce your child's natural unsatisfied curiosity about firearms.  Remember: Eddie the Eagle is a pussy. 

The above was intended to be a smart assed and unfactual firearm safety guard.  Please do not try anything outline above.  Instead, please consult a reputable safety guide, and completely read, follow, and understand it thoroughly. 

Here is some advice for new and experienced shooters...

New Shooters:
  1. Please consult a reputable safety guide before taking your first shot.  It is your duty to read, follow, and understand all safety guidelines and rules.  
  2. Wearing your personal protective equipment (including, but not limited to safety glasses, hearing protection, lead filtering respirator) is one of the most important steps you must take before engaging in target shooting.  
  3. If you are unsure about safety or operation of your firearm, please ask for help.  Generally, range employees and other shooters will be happy to help and answer your questions!
Experienced Shooters:
  1. We may have experience and knowledge, but it is still our duty to read, follow, and understand all safety guidelines and rules.  
  2. Complacency is the key to something bad happening.
  3. Please be a mentor to the new shooters if they ask for help.  Patience and understanding go a long way towards helping a new shooter learn new skills and the proper ways to perform tasks.
  4. If you are mentoring, see if there are new skills or ways to do things you can learn from the new shooter

1 comment:

Gunner Jacky said...

Useful firearm safety information. I prefer to go firearm safety class before handling any type of firearm. There are different rule of firearm safety and without knowing these rules it is dangerous to have a gun with you. I am getting firearm safety training from mass firearm school and it is very useful.